Archive for August, 2011


mother

It was a phone number.
No, it was an earring.

It wasn’t it was

You weren’t there.
But I was.

What happened to me didn’t happen to you.
It did. It happened to both us. IT happened to Adele.

Freewriting

It was Monday no a Tuesday it doesn’t matter it was a day, like any other just a day. and mom went out and we were home and I knew what she was doing but I didn’t tell anyone because what good would that do. Nathan was being a brat and Esther was nervous about something and wouldn’t stop crying and I snapped at them because I was frustrated too and what were they FIRE going to do about it anyway to help me they never helped they just whined around causing problems FIRE FIRE. No that’s not true, that’s not fair, Nathan helped a lot. But he was just a stupid fourteen-year-old kid and what did he know, anyway? I was the big sister and I was supposed to watch out for them and it was my job,

FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

Johnny saw him first, saw the face in the window and he said, “Adele there’s someone looking at us, he looks like a hobo, should we give him some bread?” Mom wouldn’t want us to but Mother wasn’t there and I was in charge I was the big sister. And Nathan was being a jerk and said no let him starve we all have to make our own way in the world and there’s plenty of times we were hungry and no one gave anything to us so why should I be any different but Kenneth was the smartest of any of us and said that’s WHY we’re supposed to be different because we know, we know what it’s like and we have to be different than how the world is

FIRE THERE WAS A FIRE

No there wasn’t there wasn’t any fire I was there and I know.

And then the gentleman without a face reached right through the wall he reached through the wall with an arm like a branch uncurling like a lance uncurling like a long curling lance and he grabbed at us and I knew we had to run. There was there was there was a shotgun on the wall there was a cordless phone I grabbed the phone the gun I ran. No I stayed I told them to go into the woods, go into the woods I’m right behind you.

And Mother came back for her stupid pearl earring and blood blood blood all over the walls and ears and hair and brains and guts and fingers and skin and that little hairy patch from her kneecap that she was always trying to shave and never quite did

Her boyfriend stood her up she came back looking for his number

the earring the earring it was the number the phone number his cell number she didn’t find it

She didn’t find it she died, she died right there in front of us and blood and hair on the walls and her ear would never hold another earring again and her hand would never hold another phone

they said it was her boyfriend, her last one, jealous, he was a drug dealer and he cut her up, the gangster with the lake house and all the speakeasies in Chicago it was him they said it was him who did it but it wasn’t we know it was the man without a face the gentleman who looked like the moon

At least they didn’t see it, Nathan and Esther and Johnny and Kenneth. They ran out to the woods behind the house beyond the barn before Mother Mom came back for her earring phone number. And I had the shotgun the cordless phone and tried to use it but my hands were shaking and I ran we ran I ran too and I followed them

I almost tripped so many times because I kept looking over my shoulder but he wasn’t following and I was so stupid so foolish so idiotic I thought I thought I thought he didn’t follow I didn’t know that he didn’t have to follow he never had to follow because he was already there in the place we were running to he’s always there he’s always everywhere he doesn’t have to come because he’s already there

We hid in the trreeeeeessssssssss

We hid in the trees, I boosted Kenneth and Johnny and Esther up to Nathan who was already up there, he climbed like a monkey he’s always been able to do that and I lifted them helped them boosted them up and we thought it was okay all right just peachy there behind the leaves leaves leaves like a covering of lace doesn’t cover up anything like beetles, beetles crawling, little green leaves so little and useless

We hid in the trees wee were so stupid d d

it was like they exploded. it’s an explosion in my head. all happening at once. but it didn’t ,it didn’t happen at once. he took his time he took his time HE TOOK HIS TIME HIS TIME HE TOOK IT TIME HE TOOK ALL THE TIME HIS TIME

the barn was on fire it was burning burning burning it was bright and hot and yellow and red

FIRE FIRE FIRE THERE WAS A FIRE

he opened them up like Christmas and he loved it he loved it so much and he made us me adele watch

GOD DAMN YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD

he didn’t want me he never wanted me not like that he didn’t have to open me up because he was all ready already there he didn’t want me because he already had me always did i was always his and didn’t know it and he doesn’t want what he already has

little adele dear little adele sweet little adele you care so much and you draw them to you and you draw me to them and i follow you i follow you into their dreams and i am there right there right there every second and this this last part this is nothing this is the least of what i do what i see where i am this is a final signature on a longlonglonglonglonglong letter filled with my handwriting and you helped me write it dear adele you are the ink and the quill and the parchment and the words

he doesn’t speak he doesn’t have to he looks at you and you know and the barn was burning and he opened them up like christmas in july and mom mother was all over the kitchen in lumps of blood and tissue like the first time we had our moonthly

mooon

i see the moon and the moon sees me and the moon is the somebody i want to see

School started today. Who the hell cares?

Baxter bit me again today. I know he was just scared. It wasn’t as bad as last time. Just a nip on the finger. One hole, neat and precise. Like a needle from a syringe. Surgical. Deep

I sat there and watched the blood well up. Dark and dark. It welled and welled. It never seemed to overflow, just sat there on my finger like the tiny bud of a new rose. Dark and red and dark and red. Just as the tar seeps up from the ground.

Through miles of waste to cross upstream risking all dreams for what the surface brings free like a flow that pours from your hand claiming its own new river

I am claimed and I can never be free.

I have proof. I’ll show you.

Perhaps you’ve guessed

Yes, I saw him. Waiting at the bus stop. Right under the tree, right there. Face round as the moon. Hahaha. The moon.

I see the moon and the moon sees me and the moon sees the somebody i want to see and God kill the moon and God kill me and God bless the somebody i want to see oh please just let me die.

COME ON

dammit, just take me instead! COME ON. I’m right here and I’m asking you to! Come on, come on, take me instead.

please please please

JUST TAKE ME INSTEAD

How many times do I have to ask?

take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me take me

TAKE ME LEAVE THEM LEAVE THEM LEAVE THEM ALONE.

On every page I ask, I beg, I plead.

Midnight feeder.

Bloody reaper.

I should have known one day you would come.

And I did. I did know, and I asked I asked I asked i asked iasked oneverypage oneveryblogpost.

take me and leave them alone. please.

Bitter dancer

damn these songwriters. How do they know?

Just as the sand made everything round
Just as the tar seeps up from the ground
bitter dancer, ever turning
so was the day that you came to town

you took a room and you settled in
washed off the chalk from your weathered skin
daylight sleeper
bloody reaper
you took a room and you settled in

i should have known one day you would come
all of us walk so blind in the sun
midnight feeder, beggar, pleader
i should had known one day you would come

Two ideas

I’m still trying to get recordings, talk to the other Adele and ask questions, but she hasn’t gotten through to me lately. Sometimes I’ll see a blip in the recording that looks she’s talking, but when I listen it’s just static, like you heard in the earlier recordings. It’s happening infrequently, but often enough to bother me. It makes me think that something is keeping her away. That she’s trying to get through and can’t. Am I Fiona now? Is he cutting me off the way he cut her off?

I have two ideas. One is to go to a near-by city that has a big library, including a nice genealogy section, where I might be able to look up the other Adele and her family and find out what happened to them. But I don’t have a car, and like I said, I’ve been busy working this summer. Hopefully I get over there before school starts, though. It’s starting soon. Senior year. I really don’t care about it much at all.

I keep thinking there might be other clues, too. In… in what happened to me and my family. Maybe there are parallels, maybe. I need… I NEED to write about it. Talk about it. Something. Somehow. I need to be able to communicate what happened that night. But every time I try, it just gets all tangled up in my mouth, in my fingers.

There was. There was blood. And my mother. And the branches whipping against the sky. And we tried to hide but it didn’t work. And there was so much blood. And no one remembers but me.

My fingers are shaking, just trying to type that much.

My counselor says it’s okay. That I should just get it out anyway I can. It’s like my brain is a barrier, and I need to turn it off for a little bit to get it out. She said to try “freewriting.” Just writing and writing without stopping, letting whatever will come out come out.

But that scares me, too. Who knows what will come out if I just give my brain free reign. I don’t think it will be nice. It won’t be nice at all.

And maybe that’s what’s stopping me in the first place. The fear of what’s there.

But I can’t be afraid. I told myself, I promised myself, I have to do whatever I have to do. I can’t be Fiona. I can’t be oblivious and blind and vulnerable when there’s anything I can do to prevent it. I have a new family, new siblings, and I have to protect them. I have to do anything I can to protect them.

But I’d really rather try going to the library first.