Category: siblings


Morgan disappeared. They didn’t remember. I ran.

That’s what happened. I probably won’t post here again. I shouldn’t have gotten so close to the fire. I shouldn’t have gotten so close to my new siblings.

He draws them through me. I’m a conduit. I know it now.

I don’t know how many of me there are. Hundreds? Thousands? How many Adeles? How many brothers and sisters opened up like Christmas?

I took Baxter with me. He chatters when the pale gentleman is near, and I run again.

I go to libraries. I read the stories. Some of them are true but most of them aren’t. I don’t know which are which.

I hope Eddie doesn’t read them anymore. He draws you through the stories, too. I curse that video game, those new videos, everywhere, everywhere, everyone has heard of him now. So many new conduits. So many new opportunities. How many Adeles? Millions?

I hope no one else has disappeared from my old-new family, but I don’t dare look back so I don’t know.

I won’t comment anywhere. I won’t tell stories anywhere.

If you are reading this, don’t read anymore. Don’t watch anymore. It’s not safe. Don’t be Adele.

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Freewriting

It was Monday no a Tuesday it doesn’t matter it was a day, like any other just a day. and mom went out and we were home and I knew what she was doing but I didn’t tell anyone because what good would that do. Nathan was being a brat and Esther was nervous about something and wouldn’t stop crying and I snapped at them because I was frustrated too and what were they FIRE going to do about it anyway to help me they never helped they just whined around causing problems FIRE FIRE. No that’s not true, that’s not fair, Nathan helped a lot. But he was just a stupid fourteen-year-old kid and what did he know, anyway? I was the big sister and I was supposed to watch out for them and it was my job,

FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE

Johnny saw him first, saw the face in the window and he said, “Adele there’s someone looking at us, he looks like a hobo, should we give him some bread?” Mom wouldn’t want us to but Mother wasn’t there and I was in charge I was the big sister. And Nathan was being a jerk and said no let him starve we all have to make our own way in the world and there’s plenty of times we were hungry and no one gave anything to us so why should I be any different but Kenneth was the smartest of any of us and said that’s WHY we’re supposed to be different because we know, we know what it’s like and we have to be different than how the world is

FIRE THERE WAS A FIRE

No there wasn’t there wasn’t any fire I was there and I know.

And then the gentleman without a face reached right through the wall he reached through the wall with an arm like a branch uncurling like a lance uncurling like a long curling lance and he grabbed at us and I knew we had to run. There was there was there was a shotgun on the wall there was a cordless phone I grabbed the phone the gun I ran. No I stayed I told them to go into the woods, go into the woods I’m right behind you.

And Mother came back for her stupid pearl earring and blood blood blood all over the walls and ears and hair and brains and guts and fingers and skin and that little hairy patch from her kneecap that she was always trying to shave and never quite did

Her boyfriend stood her up she came back looking for his number

the earring the earring it was the number the phone number his cell number she didn’t find it

She didn’t find it she died, she died right there in front of us and blood and hair on the walls and her ear would never hold another earring again and her hand would never hold another phone

they said it was her boyfriend, her last one, jealous, he was a drug dealer and he cut her up, the gangster with the lake house and all the speakeasies in Chicago it was him they said it was him who did it but it wasn’t we know it was the man without a face the gentleman who looked like the moon

At least they didn’t see it, Nathan and Esther and Johnny and Kenneth. They ran out to the woods behind the house beyond the barn before Mother Mom came back for her earring phone number. And I had the shotgun the cordless phone and tried to use it but my hands were shaking and I ran we ran I ran too and I followed them

I almost tripped so many times because I kept looking over my shoulder but he wasn’t following and I was so stupid so foolish so idiotic I thought I thought I thought he didn’t follow I didn’t know that he didn’t have to follow he never had to follow because he was already there in the place we were running to he’s always there he’s always everywhere he doesn’t have to come because he’s already there

We hid in the trreeeeeessssssssss

We hid in the trees, I boosted Kenneth and Johnny and Esther up to Nathan who was already up there, he climbed like a monkey he’s always been able to do that and I lifted them helped them boosted them up and we thought it was okay all right just peachy there behind the leaves leaves leaves like a covering of lace doesn’t cover up anything like beetles, beetles crawling, little green leaves so little and useless

We hid in the trees wee were so stupid d d

it was like they exploded. it’s an explosion in my head. all happening at once. but it didn’t ,it didn’t happen at once. he took his time he took his time HE TOOK HIS TIME HIS TIME HE TOOK IT TIME HE TOOK ALL THE TIME HIS TIME

the barn was on fire it was burning burning burning it was bright and hot and yellow and red

FIRE FIRE FIRE THERE WAS A FIRE

he opened them up like Christmas and he loved it he loved it so much and he made us me adele watch

GOD DAMN YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD TAKE ME INSTEAD

he didn’t want me he never wanted me not like that he didn’t have to open me up because he was all ready already there he didn’t want me because he already had me always did i was always his and didn’t know it and he doesn’t want what he already has

little adele dear little adele sweet little adele you care so much and you draw them to you and you draw me to them and i follow you i follow you into their dreams and i am there right there right there every second and this this last part this is nothing this is the least of what i do what i see where i am this is a final signature on a longlonglonglonglonglong letter filled with my handwriting and you helped me write it dear adele you are the ink and the quill and the parchment and the words

he doesn’t speak he doesn’t have to he looks at you and you know and the barn was burning and he opened them up like christmas in july and mom mother was all over the kitchen in lumps of blood and tissue like the first time we had our moonthly

mooon

i see the moon and the moon sees me and the moon is the somebody i want to see

Two ideas

I’m still trying to get recordings, talk to the other Adele and ask questions, but she hasn’t gotten through to me lately. Sometimes I’ll see a blip in the recording that looks she’s talking, but when I listen it’s just static, like you heard in the earlier recordings. It’s happening infrequently, but often enough to bother me. It makes me think that something is keeping her away. That she’s trying to get through and can’t. Am I Fiona now? Is he cutting me off the way he cut her off?

I have two ideas. One is to go to a near-by city that has a big library, including a nice genealogy section, where I might be able to look up the other Adele and her family and find out what happened to them. But I don’t have a car, and like I said, I’ve been busy working this summer. Hopefully I get over there before school starts, though. It’s starting soon. Senior year. I really don’t care about it much at all.

I keep thinking there might be other clues, too. In… in what happened to me and my family. Maybe there are parallels, maybe. I need… I NEED to write about it. Talk about it. Something. Somehow. I need to be able to communicate what happened that night. But every time I try, it just gets all tangled up in my mouth, in my fingers.

There was. There was blood. And my mother. And the branches whipping against the sky. And we tried to hide but it didn’t work. And there was so much blood. And no one remembers but me.

My fingers are shaking, just trying to type that much.

My counselor says it’s okay. That I should just get it out anyway I can. It’s like my brain is a barrier, and I need to turn it off for a little bit to get it out. She said to try “freewriting.” Just writing and writing without stopping, letting whatever will come out come out.

But that scares me, too. Who knows what will come out if I just give my brain free reign. I don’t think it will be nice. It won’t be nice at all.

And maybe that’s what’s stopping me in the first place. The fear of what’s there.

But I can’t be afraid. I told myself, I promised myself, I have to do whatever I have to do. I can’t be Fiona. I can’t be oblivious and blind and vulnerable when there’s anything I can do to prevent it. I have a new family, new siblings, and I have to protect them. I have to do anything I can to protect them.

But I’d really rather try going to the library first.

Christmas in July

My new family sure loves their get-togethers.

This was last week. One of my new aunts has a nice place in Michigan, and we met there for Christmas in July. It was really lovely. They had a pool, so I got to go swimming, which I love. It was fun to play with Morgan and Katelyn and Eddie and Matty, Marco Polo and Sharks and Minnows and trying to talk underwater and who can hold their breath the longest and some games we made up. For awhile, I forgot about my lost siblings. And I felt bad afterward. But… maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe they wouldn’t want me to.

I was almost happy. But seeing my grandparents there reminded me.

I gathered up my courage and asked questions. Something I’ve been wondering since this mistiness started. The ghost. Adele. The other Adele. It feels so strange to write that, to say that. I think she followed me back from my grandparents’ place after our spring gathering. Maybe because she shared my name. Maybe that woke her.

I asked my grandmother if she had ever heard any ghost stories about her house. She said no, that the house has been in their family for almost a century, and she’s never heard anything. I hesitated, but I had to ask, “Have you ever felt anything strange there? Or seen something you couldn’t explain?”

She looked at me a little strangely, but again she said no. She was very patient with me. I couldn’t help feeling that I was wasting her time. I almost told her about what I saw that first night I stayed in their house, but I didn’t. I guess I didn’t want to be dismissed as a lunatic, a disturbed little girl with too many bad things her past.

That happens to me enough as it is. No need to invite it.

So I showed her the picture on my phone of the foundation of the barn. Here: http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb360/takeadele/IMG_20110430_151519.jpg. I asked if she knew how the barn burned down.

It was like I’d hit her with a static shock. She jerked a little, eyes widening. Peered closer at the picture, eyes darting back and forth. As if she’d never seen it before. “I’ve never actually thought about it, honey.”

“You’ve never…your family…you never thought about rebuilding it?”

“No… No, I don’t think we ever did. Not even back when I was a little girl, when we still had dairy cows. It was just…there. We walked around it. We didn’t really look at it.”

“It’s just…just been sitting there for decades, then? That…pile of rubble?”

“Well, yes. I suppose so.”

I pulled back, dread pulling at my chest. “Do you know what happened to the family who had the house before you?”

She shook her head. “I don’t remember. I don’t think I ever knew. I do…I do think that they were farmers, too. Had a number of children. They must have fallen on hard times. That was the Great Depression, hon. I was only a baby during that time. We left the dustbowl of Oklahoma, moved further northeast to corn country. We were lucky. We found a place for ourselves. But I was too small. I can’t tell you anymore than that, sorry.”

My head was spinning. I thanked her, I think, and went off by myself to think.

The other Adele had a family, too. And their barn burned down. And no one touches that place. No one notices it. They just pass right by. It’s invisible to everyone.

Except me.

Long shadows

i remember walking at sunset, holding hands, our shadows stretching out before us long and thin and strange. the light was red and golden, and trees around us cast their filigree of gray. shadows stick to your feet, follow you wherever you go.

i remember telling stories, when the lights were off and the darkness hid us, wrapped up in our beds with nothing but our voices. the moon outside the window was full and white and perfectly round. i told you everything would be okay.

i remember two of us, three of us, four, five. i remember fights, pulling hair and rolling in the dirt. i remember sticky hugs and tearful good-byes. i remember you and me and us.

long shadows stretching out before us. long shadows, black on the pavement, inky and depthless and dark. long shadows of us, us, us made strange and strange, but we thought they were familiar.

i remember screams. i remember broken tree branches thudding to the ground. i remember blood.

long, long shadows stretch across my mind. they twine in my memories, wrap around my heart. i will not fight them, though they are chains of a kind. they are all i have, my long, long shadows.

i will not give them up.

Sound of silence

I’m such a coward.

On my last post, a commenter suggested that I try recording in my room without speaking to see if the microphone will pick up something my ears can’t. It’s an excellent idea and I said I would do it. I haven’t.

I’ve been busy, yes. Saturday was a family picnic, enjoyable but hot and sticky. There was “no time” to make a recording.

On Sunday, Katelyn wanted to play card games with me. She’s never asked me to do something with her before, and it was really nice. Fun. I “forgot” to make a recording.

Monday was school, almost over, very busy. That night I was “too tired” to make a recording.

Now it’s Tuesday and I just have to admit that I’m scared. Maybe I don’t want to hear what this ephemeral voice has to say. Maybe it will change things. Maybe I’ll start being terrified again of every shadow, every stranger, every tree branch, every silent moment in a crowded room. …Not that I ever totally stopped. Maybe I won’t be able to do anything to change anything, again. Maybe fate is inexorable. Maybe I’m crazy and this is all just in my head anyway, the voice, the face, all of you who read this and comment. Maybe everything everywhere is a figment of my imagination and none of it matters anyway. Maybe that would be the kindest truth of all.

I said some very brave, bold things in the last post, but you should all know by now that I am very small and very scared and very bad at this. At everything.

I’m sorry.

Partying, partying yeah

I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with Eddie’s headset. It has some sort of echo-y thing going on. So I won’t use it anymore. Maybe I’ll get my own microphone, if I want to keep doing voice posts. Sorry for the poor quality on my previous recordings. I kinda want to take them down now, knowing they’re all corrupted, but they’re part of my story so I’m leaving them up.

Here’s a picture I took of my hand the other day (warning, a bit gross).

Photobucket

It looks worse than it is, I think. Full range of motion is back and it only aches now and then. Soon it will just be a scar.

Baxter is just as friendly as he ever was. More so, even. I’m leaving his cage open when I’m in the room, and he’s taken to sleeping curled up against my neck all night. (Don’t worry, he won’t get squished. I don’t move much in my sleep and he’s a nimble little rodent.) He seems to feel safer as long as I’m nearby, and I like having him close, too.

Hope everyone is looking forward to the weekend, weekend.

New voice post

My hand still hurts a little, so here’s another audio post. May 24 post

I don’t know what Eddie was talking about. I was not listening to youtube clips or running a fan while I was recording. At least he gave me back my laptop…

YES Adele I AM allergic to commas. If you keep criticizing your transcribing person you won’t have one anymore.

Anyway. This is super boring so I’m just gonna sum up the rest of the recording. Adele went to the bathroom to try to take care of it herself because shes an idiot. And she started feeling faint and went and laid down on the couch and moaned. She was calling for her mother but she doesn’t remember that but she totally was I was there and I know. Our parents came out and took care of her and everything. She was worried because she didn’t want Dad to be mad at Baxter because he hadn’t wanted to have a rat in the house to begin with but they wanted to be her foster parents so they took him too. She doesn’t understand why Mom and Dad wanted to be her foster parents but they did. So she made this recording because she wanted to tell someone what was going on or whatever.

Seriusly Adele if you don’t show Dad your hand I will. It looks bad and that hydrogen stuff your using isn’t helping at all.

And we wanted to be your foster family because your a good person and you deserve a chance. I know you don’t believe it but its true. If you want to delete this post you’ll have to get your hand better so you can come on and fix it. I’m gonna post embarassing stuff here if you don’t. I saw you type your password and I know what it is now. I’m hiding your computer until you get your hand fixed. Its kinda gross now.

Um gotta think of more embarassing stuff. Hey guys you know what else Adele likes? David Bowie. Yeah. Her email address is takeadele@gmail.com if you want to write and tell her to get her hand fixed too.

Get your hand taken care of Adele for real.

Hey guys this is Eddie. Adele logged me in to transcribe her thingy. Her rat tale I’m calling it. Hahaha! I crack myself up.

Hey Adele next time you record something don’t play youtube clips or whatever while you do it. The mike didn’t pick it up real good but its still annoying. And don’t run a fan right next to you or whatever you did. For real that needs to stop.

Oh its on. Hello little blog. My hand really hurts. Kind of swollen it got all swollen. My fingers won’t touch. My index finger and my thumb. The doctor saw it yesterday and I’m fine I don’t need stitches I didn’t need stitches and I got a tetanus shot and all that. But it started swelling up today and I don’t want my new parents to see it. I don’t want anyone to see it. Because. And its not because I’m stoic. This fucking hurts. Its just. It would make my new dad even more mad than he already was and I don’t want him to be more mad because… I’m gonna have to start over.

Okay I gathered my thoughts so to speak. Its really clumsy using my left hand for everything. Anyway it happened Sunday night in the middle of the night. I heard… I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a rat scream? But its really awful its a really awful sound. And I mean you know rats squeak mice they squeak but when they squeak its because there in pain or there afraid or there in danger its a warning thing. A lot of times Baxter makes little you know chirping noises. He grinds his teeth together its called bruxing. He makes all kinds of little noises.

But I’ve never heard him scream before. STUPID LOUD FAN NOISE. And I stumbled over to his cage and I was sort of just half awake and I knew that something was going on and he just sounded so scared. And I heard his tail rattling its what rats do when there about to attack something. And and half asleep I just thought theres another rat in there that got there in the cage. And it was so stupid. I stuck my hand in there and and Baxter bit me. He bit me on the kind of the web of flesh between your index finger and your thumb and he bit me really hard and really deep.

And rats when they bite they like you know how they have fangs they kind of separate the bottom two fangs and drive those deep in and kind of tear with there top fangs. And I know he didn’t mean to do it. It was totally an accident. Baxter has never bit me ever. He’s the tamest, sweetest little rat you ever saw. But well I stumbled away. I kind of had to shake him off which ripped it even more. And I went to turn on the light and theres blood welling up and dripping on the floor.

This is taking for fucking ever so I’m gonna come back later. But seriously Adele you should just show Dad your hand. He won’t be mad. Well maybe a little. But he’s not gonna get rid of Baxter.

I picked all the categories for this just cuz. You can fix it later.